Readers, I was recently asked by a young gentleman by the name of “Owen” to identify in my opinion (which is always the correct opinion) the single scariest game of all time. So I went through a list of potential candidates.

• System Shock 1/2 – They’re certainly revolutionary and a blast to play. And that SHODAN chick is indeed frightening the first time through. But afterwards? Every player of System Shock after their first play-through goes “pfft, you’re some computer bitch and I’ve got an electromagnetic pulse gun thing.” Oh, and Xerxes wasn’t that scary either.
• Clock Tower – He’s like, what, 4 feet tall? And he’s got a big pair of scissors. Just kick him down the stairs already,
• Resident Evil 1 – AHH FMV OH SHIT except the rest of the game was pretty tame, right?
• Resident Evil 2 Obviously this game was so scary, its loyal dedicated fans wrote about the sheer emotional impact of Claire Redfield’s section of the game.
• Resident Evil 3 – Pfft.
• Resident Evil 4 – It’s exciting, it’s frantic, it’s fun, it’s a burst of life into the series but scary? Actually, down to earth friggin’ scary? Nah.

Whatever. I think I’ve made my point. There’s no game that exists that even holds a candle to this game. Readers, I’ve done my research. And it scared me to the point of tears – yes, real grown man tears. The scariest game in existence, the most horrifying, terrifying, mind-blowing, underpants-wetting, adrenaline-inducing game of all time is…

I don’t think you all understood how terrifying it was for me to post that.

This game pits you as either Zeke or Julia. Your choice. Your choice of children to fight a legion of rampaging brain-devouring zombies! What the hell?! And furthermore, they’re given a frigging water pistol to defend themselves! Oh, great, a child murder simulation. That’s honestly great entertainment. Well done, LucasArts. Even if zombies were susceptible to water (I’ve done my research – they’re not!), even though they fall into the ground magically they just keep coming!! And you have to go around your town, rescuing your neighbours from certain zombie annihilation! That is sick! Oh yes, people tell me it’s “campy” and “fun” but I had nightmares for days after this. The whole thing about zombies eating your neighbours is that zombies are around at every turn. And this game certifies that we’re helpless to stop them. Great “fun”.

Y’know what? I’m gonna have to call this one short. I’m rattled. This, this is just too much for me right now. Hey, “Owen”, next time, ask a simple question like “Where can I find my testicles”. Because then I can respond with something simple like “You don’t have any”, and then we don’t have to go through any mental anguish at all, everybody’s happy, and you don’t have to piss off and bring back horrible memories for a senior investigative reporter of merit and honour like yours truly.

You’re welcome in advance.

Ian Waddell