As a confessed (and not fully reformed) backseat gamer, I am the guy who a lot of people (and perhaps some of you) really, really don’t like sitting and watching them play something. The temptation to endlessly rationalize my actions is enormous, especially considering the public nature of this format. After all, is it my fault if somebody can’t follow a simple instruction like “before you advance the screen, make sure you collect the-WHY!? HOW MUCH WAS THAT COIN WORTH TO YOU!? WAS IT WORTH MISSING THE ENTIRE BAG OF MONEY THAT YOU PUSHED OFF THE EDGE AND LOST!? GOD!!!!“?

Yeah, I’m that guy. My girlfriend is currently the prime recipient of said vitriol, and I have to give her props for not erasing the nose from my face in a dancing crimson mist flecked with pearly nubs of cartilage. I mean, it’s not like she has over twenty years of experience playing games like I have, and nobody should really expect her to know that sometimes you have to use Lockpick a couple of times before it works, you don’t have to ignore a door or locker if it doesn’t open the first time WHY ARE YOU MISSING SO MUCH OF THE GAME!? AND YOU DON’T HAVE TO COLLECT ALL THE FUCKING RADSCORPION TAILS THEY ARE WORTH SHIT.

Fuck it.

Dear Everybody Who Ever Plays a Game in my Presence,

Please realize that I am at heart a generous and giving soul, and when I tell you what to do or wrest the controller from your hand I am only doing it because I am better than you and want you to improve as a player. Self improvement is a laudable goal that we should all strive for, and if I snap at you (twitching slightly), berating you gently for pressing the buttons randomly instead of trying to learn the mechanics of the game it is only because I care, and has nothing to do with you beating me in the last five matches. Firstly, I was using a character unfamiliar to me on purpose both to give you a chance and to practice for myself. Secondly, playing with real skill rather than flailing like a drunk lunatic is always more satisfying, win or lose. So, let’s have another match and this time maybe you could try recognizing your button presses and maybe you could try not being Kilik, okay? Hey, whatever. You know I love you, man.

Also, recognize that there is an element of mutual trust that must be respected when playing a split screen multiplayer shooting game. Since there is no physical way to stop people from peeking at the other player’s screens the responsibility falls upon us as human beings to do the right thing. Look, I know it’s hilarious when you sneak up behind me in my special sniping hiding place and kill me. And I find your little victory dance as amusing as you and your friends do. I really do. Haha, yes. I am a bit of a “gamer nerd boy” and you certainly did “show me”. But the fact remains, my good buddy, that what you did was cheating and… what? No, it’s NOT the same. The tactics I use are acceptable purely by the reasoning that they would not be included in the game if they were not acceptable. I found a way to defeat you that EXISTS IN THE GAME and the only way for you to move forward intellectually and spiritually is to accept your defeat and move on. Yes yes yes I know you technically won that round but it was only because you were peeking at my screen, but morally I am the winner.

I know what it’s like to be stuck in a game. I mean, let me qualify. I’m never really, really stuck in a game, but I understand the frustration involved when a particular section takes more than two minutes to pass. So when you’re playing Metroid Prime or something similar do not be offended if I emit certain noises, or grunts. It is not that I think you are stupid, exactly. More that I recognize my own gaming intellect and struggle to lower myself into empathy for a person who cannot recognize the difference between a challenging section and a section that is not intended to be attempted by the player character at its current stage of development. That jump is impossible. Stop it. No, pushing yourself as far as you can into the diagonal apex of that rocky incline and tilting the freelook as far as you can into the air and jumping wildly IS NOT GOING TO WORK FOR FUCKS SAKE IT HAS BEEN HALF AN HOUR, GO AND GET THE FUCKING BOOTS YOU TWAT. Jesus, some people. You people.

Yes, you. Stop thrusting the controller to and fro, it doesn’t affect the turning of the car. Look, I understand that your motor skills are somewhat underdeveloped but this is a behaviour that only makes you look silly. Give me the controller and I’ll show you. This is what you look like. LOOK. When you swing it around it ju-OH MY GOD I AM SO SORRY. I didn’t see you there, honest. Somebody get her some ice for that, this part is a bitch and pausing the game wil-you can’t pause this game. So I have to keep playing and you don’t want me to die, do you? I know she’s bleeding. I know that. I’m not blind. But neither is Black Falcon and I need to SHUT UP GOD IT’S YOUR FAULT I HIT THE WALL GOD!!!!

EVERYBODY SHUT UP THIS GAME SUCKS LEAVE ME ALONE

I’M NOT THE ASSHOLE HERE. YOU ARE ALL FUCKING ASSHOLES.

LALALALALALALA

Daniel "Positronbob" Whitfield