Yes, finally. It’s the article you’ve all been waiting for – my long-awaited venture into the world of Azeroth. Now, readers, I am no stranger to roleplaying. Many a night was spent in my youth with my mates, playing D&D until our fingers had dice callouses, our figurines were worn and overused, and I was rolling straight d20s on all them bitches. However, when it came to transferring my innate roleplaying ability onto the Intarweb, I’ve been a little nervous. I’ve never been able to recreate my garage experiences way back in they day – everyone’s so obsessed with playing online, they never really get into the spirit of pretending to be a magick-wielding-half-warrior-half-mage-all-soul-character whose class can only be described as “Superfreak”. It’s all about acronyms! Characters named “Noobkilla” and “Twinkmaster”! Battles in real-time! No dice! This isn’t what I grew up with, readers! Nevertheless, I’m willing to delve into this mysterious world and investigate the new age of roleplaying. Would my former glory playing D&D be reacquired? Would my unbelievable destructive power be regained? (The answer to that last one should be obvious.)

I quickly picked an RP server, “Argent Dawn”. Argent sounded Swedish, and I’ve always had a fondness for Swedes, so it appealed to me instantly. I chose a Dwarven paladin, adorned him with flowing ginger locks and a handlebar moustache, named him “Scupaar” (say it out loud! Get it?) and got myself ready to get a good character roll in. I clicked “next”.

.. Okay, back to the main character screen. Rolling your character must happen as soon as you enter the game world, right?

WRONG. What devilry is this?! I have no hand in Scupaar’s fate?! The gods cannot be smiling on Scupaar now. Nevertheless, I soldiered on – and found myself in the snowy domain of Dun Morogh. This seemed promising.

A fellow Dwarf beckoned me to his side. Sten was his name. He noticed that I had been travelling a long ways on a cold winter night, and offered me some gloves. In return, he required some wolf meat for some Dwarven baby-back ribs. I ventured forth to slay some wolves to thank him for his generosity.

In the meantime, a gentle gnome woman staggered forward and collapsed. Clearly, the frozen plateau of Dun Morogh had completely exhausted her. I introduced myself and inquired whether she was sufficiently equipped for the long journey ahead.

Her response…

WHAT?! I offer her food and drink, and she betrays my trust! She betrays my honour! How could she?! She ran off and returned, when I knew that vengeance must be wrought.

She accepted. I readied my hammer. The duel began. Quickly I charged towards the gnome, my hammer cutting through the air like the fist of Thor. I quickly connected for 8 damage, a decent amount. As I readied for the next blow, the gnome took flight and fled from the wrath of my hammer. She began unleashing deadly throwing knives upon me which – due to the cold conditions – I was not able to dodge.

I roared in rage.

Her dagger was as quick as her nimble feet. She was a formidable foe. My hammer couldn’t find my target, and soon… soon I was beaten into submission.

She was the victor, fair and square. I have never been beaten as badly as I was in this particular instance. It’s not an easy feat to vanquish Senior Investigative Reporter Ian Waddell in ANY game. I was ready to offer my hand in congratulations. When all of a sudden..

And then!

Embarrassed, flustered, I fled from the scene. Never before have I been defeated in such a manner! The shame! Oh, the shame! How dare this.. this HARLOT insult my proud Dwarven mother! I retreated. I paused for reflection. As I did so, my hands grew colder as they gripped my hammer. I needed to slay some wolves in order to honour Sten’s promise. I killed one, when all of a sudden the Gnome appeared again! This time, in an apologetic fashion. She wished for us to put the negative enmity behind us and be squared away. Unfortunately, the Gnome insulted my mother. I was not in an apologetic mood.

The Gnome tried again. This was a slap in the face.

And then she responded with her true colours.

Once again insulted, I fled the scene. Unfortunately, the Gnome was so dishonourable she had to insult me to the entire valley.

Disgusted, I turned off the game. This is not roleplaying. This… this is FILTH in gaming. And I, for one, will not stand for it anymore. If I can be so convinced, I will venture into Azeroth once more – but only to avenge my defeat. That is all I have to say about the subject!

Ian Waddell